I’m journaling and reflecting today about the last week and I can honestly say this last week hasn’t been the best week for me, what started out strong on Monday with me managing to write 1533 words and the hope that I would be able to keep that momentum going for five days was quickly crushed by a week of migraines instead.

I suffer chronically from migraines and have done since I was a child, though they have gotten considerably worse as an adult. Back in 2018 I was diagnosed with a chronic Illness known as IIH which can also, amongst the varies symptoms  cause a different type of headache due to a build-up spinal fluid on the brain, the Drs call them High pressure Headaches.

I personally can’t tell the difference between the two types of headaches, though I have noticed when I have High Pressure Headaches, they are considerably worse when I am lying down. Both of them make me sick, both of them make me light and noise sensitive, with pain that makes me want to curl up into a ball in a dark room and sleep through the end of the world, if I am capable of it. I am being treated for both, however last year saw a flare up of my IIH which still hasn’t returned to its managed state I was a few years ago, and the current medication I’m on for my migraines doesn’t seem to have the same effect it once did, and for both I am still waiting for my next neurologist appointment.

Living in the UK I am incredibly grateful for the NHS and I know how incredibly lucky I am when it comes to the health care I have available, however it is also incredibly frustrating with the waitlists being as long as they are and lack of funding they seem to get, especially as where I live in Wales the nearest Neurological Hospital, is across the border in England, and only a certain number of neurologists have clinics in my local hospitals on set days so the waitlist can be even longer again.

But getting back to my point, last week was not a great week for me. Four migraines in one week, with the lovely grogginess on the days in-between, where I do my best to let my body rest, and my brain, while also trying to work the day job and be creative and write. This week, that didn’t happen. Something had to give, and creatively I didn’t write past the 170 words I managed to get down on Tuesday.

And that makes me feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I haven’t made progress with my writing. I feel guilty that I haven’t looked at my manuscript for the last five days. I feel guilty that I am falling behind on my goals, and that means I am somehow failing.

It is misplaced guilt, and the whole point of me working on creating a healthy writing habit this quarter is to help me find the balance between writing and my Chronic Illnesses so I can still write the stories I want to write, but even though I know logically the guilt is misplaced, it doesn’t stop me from feeling it.

I am getting better than I was with it. But it was still there.

I am hoping that next week will be a much better week with my health and also with my writing.